he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I deserve this hangover.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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