K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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