A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
