I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
