Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
