When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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