do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
