Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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