Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
