everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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