the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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