Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
