Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
