Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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