she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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