I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
