I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
