i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
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