Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
