Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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