whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
