2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
