Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
