did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My balls are so social today.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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