does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
