Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
