Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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