The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
