hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
