Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
