I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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