Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
