just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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