You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
