The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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