I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
