and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
