A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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