drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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