I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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