Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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