Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
