Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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