How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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