My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
