after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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