Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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