You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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