Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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