A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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