I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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