i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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