Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
