Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
