listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
