the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
