lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
