the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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