cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
