We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
